Opening to vulnerability

For about ten months now I have been graced with recurring yeast infections. They’ve been minor, but still extremely irritating, and very, very persistent. For those of you who’ve never had the delightful experience of a yeast infection, it shows up as itching and inflammation in the lady parts. It’s horrible, basically, and has been a constant in my life since January 1. I literally got the first symptoms on New Years.

The timing is uncanny because while I don’t really do numerology I do tarot and 2017 is a six year for me, which is The Lovers. So for me this year has been about sex, relationships, and integrating my spiritual path with my sexuality. Hmmm. I’ve also done lots of other deep healing related to old traumas and woundings within my second chakra. And yet the itching persisted.

I went to see an intuitive friend of mine for some energy work and when I told her about the yeast infections she pointed out the obvious, which I’d overlooked due to its simplicity: I’ve been out of touch with the Divine Feminine and this is my body’s way of getting my attention to bring me back into alignment. Great! Message received. Now what?

A few weeks later I was in an Alchemy class and our teacher took us on a brief journey to illustrate working with symbols. It’s very simple but really effective and it goes like this: Choose something in your life you’re struggling with (I chose my need to reconnect with Divine Feminine). Go into a meditative state and ask for a symbol that represents this challenge (I got a conch shell). Become the symbol and notice what it feels like (hard, defended, armored). Go back to the time when you first learned this response or behavior, or had this feeling (I went back to being a fetus). Now change the situation to address the unmet needs of that younger self (instead of being a fetus in my birth mother’s womb I moved to my Inner Mother’s womb). Go back to the original symbol and notice if it’s changed (instead of being a form of defensive armor the conch shell was now a horn to herald my arrival, the arrival of my True Self). Pretty cool, right?! 

So my work right now is in letting down my defenses and opening to vulnerability. This has been a constant theme for the past few weeks — in my meditations, my journeys, and even woven throughout my regular day-to-day life. 

I’m going to take a moment here for a brief yet relevant aside: Last night I dreamt I met a man with whom I shared incredible chemistry and he offered to be my lover (it was amusing— the offer was like a contract, with a two-year term). Despite really wanting to go for it I turned him down because of my husband. I was really sad and regretful about this decision but didn’t see a way around it. 

When I woke up I wasn’t totally freaked out, but I was mildly alarmed. Did this mean I wanted a lover? That I need one to continue my exploration of sex, spirituality and Divine Feminine? That would devastate my husband. But I don’t want to be sad and regretful in life! Ahh! 

So when I sat down to meditate I had two questions: What’s up with that dream, and what can I do, specifically, to open more to vulnerability? The response that came up addresses both. 
As long as I continue to hold the intention that my work and my healing is only for the greatest and highest good, not just for me- but for everyone whose lives I touch (including my dear husband), then I can trust whatever unfolds. And I need to share this whole process with all of you (which is definitely making me feel vulnerable!), including the part about the dream. Well, okay then. 
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So here is the prayer that came through and that I share with you now:
I am now choosing to call forth everything I need to heal my womb space. I do this in alignment with Divine Mother so that only light and healing come through for me and everyone whose lives touch mine. I do this now with ease and grace knowing it is already unfolding in perfect harmony. Word I am Word through this intention. Word I am Word.